Ron Swanson is the Director of the Pawnee City Department of Parks and Recreation
(TV Sitcom, 2009-2015). He is a staunch libertarian and sees all forms of government as a waste of taxpayers money.
Whilst his deadpan and sarcastic nature shows his disdain of the general public, he does have the ability to acknowledge the occasional good works of his colleagues, albeit in backhanded compliments.
He is the epitome of a “man’s man”, his diet consisting of meat products, single malt Scotch whiskey and a deep passion for woodworking, having built his first chair at the tender age of just five years old.
Ron feels weakness in asking others for help, although at times he has no choice but to trust in those he would otherwise feel contempt for.
Strength:
Solid managerial skills, realistic outcome-based solutions.
Weakness/False Belief:
Every man is an island.
Want:
To do the least amount of work possible, slow down government progression.
Need:
To realise and regain faith in the skills of those around him.
INT. RON SWANSON’S HOME STUDY – EVENING
Ron sits on a fine leather Chesterfield armchair, holding a glass of Scotch whiskey in hand.
RON
The telephone was designed for two things and two things alone: Informing the police of a buckshot wound to a trespasser on one’s property and placing orders for a side of cattle. At no point should they be used for photographing of said cattle on a plate, nor for informing the general public of your poor taste in fashion. A fine elk skin should be utilized for both pants and undergarments, whilst a hand woven alpaca vest should cover the torso. This should be your calling card, and others will appreciate your consistency.
Not only is asking for directions ill advised, it shows weakness and trust in an otherwise idiotic public. A compass should be strapped to ones wrist, preferably with a freshly tanned leash of Alaskan seal leather. This will provide both comfort and protection from smaller children. Should a child approach and break through your personal barrier, instruct them to seek out the nearest hardware store and return with an eight-hundred word report on the differences between a chisel and a circular gouge. In this time, your escape should be imminent.
Under no circumstances should fruit-based ales be consumed in occupational social settings. Purchase two bottles of single malt scotch whiskey of the Isle of Islay, Scotland. The larger bottle should be consumed during speeches, dinners, and avoiding conversations, whilst the smaller bottle for the lavatory.
Should any child return with reports on woodworking tool equipment, firmly commend them and reward with a small knob of cured salami. You should have eight to twelve of these within your ankle holster. Instruct the mother, that whilst children are stupid and innately incompetent of the most basic of tasks, hers may one day learn enough to use heavy machinery in a country town with a population of no more than five-hundred inhabitants.
Now please shut up. No further questions
Written by Lukas Strautins.
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